Tunni clerics file blasphemy case against Allah & Muhammad
In a highly controversial, but totally unsurprising move, world famous Tunni cleric Maulana Oay Dallay has filed a blasphemy case against Allah Mian and Prophet Muhammad through his organisation Ahle Shiddat wal Fasaad Bara Hi Sawaad.
The 6386380277763 page long report submitted by Maulana Oay Dallay, also known as Maulana Pain Di Sirri, refers to a number of verses of The Quran and Hadees of Prophet Muhammad as evidence that the two had blasphemed, disrespecting the Sahaba, and must be charged under 295-C. The esteemed Maulana is joined by Mufti-e-Azam Pakistan Yaki Usmani and Muft-e Muneeb, who shows up every year a day before Eid to sight the moon and delivers a 10 word announcement in 76 minutes.
We have obtained the report submitted to the court and will provide a summary of some of the evidence provided. One of the evidence quoted in the report is Quran, Ale Imran (3:86–87):
“How shall Allah guide a people who disbelieved after their believing and (after) they had borne witness that the Messenger was true and clear arguments had come to them; and Allah does not guide the unjust people. (As for) these, their reward is that upon them is the curse of Allah and the angels and of men, all together.”
The report claims that Allah is unnecessarily provoking sectarianism by blaming revered Sahaba to have gone murtid. In a sentimental tone, Maulana Dallay clearly explained how Allah Mian is hurting the sentiments of the Tunni community by baseless accusations on muqaddas Sahaba. Speaking to us, he said, “murtad ki sazaa sar tan se judaa sar tan se judaa. What does Allah want here? To kill the Sahaba nauzbillah! Naansense.” He demanded unflinching obedience of the Sahaba, and added that Pakistan should consider renaming the official name to ‘Sahaba Republic of Sahaba’.
Another part of the report refers to Sahih Muslim Book 38, Number 6688 :
Allah’s Apostle had especially told him [Hudaifha] amongst his Companion, that there would be twelve hypocrites out of whom eight would not get into Paradise…. the ulcer would be itself sufficient (to kill) eight. So far as four are concerned, I do not remember what Shu’ba said about them.
The report accuses Prophet Muhammad of blasphemy by calling revered Sahaba hypocrites. The Maulana (himself among the endless and ever growing list of muqadasaat) claims the sanctity of the Sahaba is unquestionable and that Prophet Muhammad has no right to call them hypocrites. In a press conference, he added that his organisation is considering a country wide protest against Prophet Muhammad for hurting Tunni sentiments, which were also hurt 33 seconds ago.
Referring to Quran 3:153–155, the Maulana again was seen throwing tantrums, more amusing than a two year old when he doesn’t get his lollipop:
“ (Remember) when you were climbing (Uhud) and paid no heed to anyone, while the Messenger was calling you from your rear, so he inflicted you with grief on grief that you might not be sorry for what escaped you and neither for what befell you; and Allah is well aware of what you do…. Indeed, those of you who turned back on the day the two armies met, it was Satan who caused them to slip “
Commenting on this, Maulana Yaki Usmani jumped off the chair in emotions, we could even notice one of his teeth wiggle a little bit which already hangs six inches outside of his purple lips. Maulana Yakki demand a note of apology from Allah for this baseless accusation on the great Sahaba. He then raised a placard which said, “Make Sahaba Great Again!”.
He said there is absolutely no evidence that some Sahaba ran off the mountain of Uhud at the speed matching Usain Bolt. He argued, if they did, they would have received Olympic medals, but the absence of it suggests that the accusation in Quran is baseless. He also added that the Umro Ayyar aur Talismi Lora, published in 1972, which he purchased for the grand sum of 12 aanay from Munir ki hatti narrated the correct version of history for this incident. The actual event saw Prophet Muhammad ski down the mountain in quest for adrenaline rush and blamed innocent Sahaba.
Similarly, Maulana Orange-Saib-Frooti quoted another Hadees, Sahih Muslim Book 38, Number 6690 :
… He (the Holy Prophet) then said: The water is small in quantity (at the next station). So nobody should go ahead of me, but he found people who had gone ahead of him and he cursed them on that day.
Maulana said, “Pain di sirri, oay dallay”, then added, “Allah needs to show some morality and stop cursing”. He demanded utmost respect for Sahaba and stated there is no way they could have gone wrong and a precedence needs to be set by charging Allah under blasphemy laws so no Allah ever dares disrespect Sahaba. He then climbed up his chair, raised a machine gun and chanted Kafir Kafir Allah Kafir.
By this point in the press conference, Mufti Haneef O-Rashi was feeling neglected so he grabbed the mic and said Islam’s real name is Deen-e-Haneef, which is named after me, so everybody listen to me and give me some much needed attention because we are majority among the Tunnis and still get no cash from the Khakis. He threw his arms up in the air and said, “kya itna bura hoon maiN maan Bajwa?!” Calling upon COAS Bajwa, he said, “Give us a chance, we can show you we are more lethal than Deobandis and charge less too.”
He then referred to Quran 9:74:
They swear by Allah that they did not say [anything against the Prophet] while they had said the word of disbelief and disbelieved after their [pretense of] Islam and planned that which they were not to attain. And they were not resentful
He added this is a classic example of Allah continuing his endless attacks on Sahaba. He added the only reason there’s Islam today in the world is because the Sahaba went coast to coast for the glory of the Islam. He added, “Sahaba were like Malik Riaz of the time with so much real estate they brought to Islam when Prophet Muhammad just went on giving these fancy lectures on morality. Can anyone dare disrespect Malik Riaz? No, right? Why poor Sahaba then?”
To close off the press conference, the angry bird alliance of Tunni ulema presented this charter of demands:
- Charge Allah and Muhammad under 295-C
- Declare the COAS as the Living Prophet and any disrespect to him should be charged under 295-C
- Remove all Hadees of Prophet Muhammad which disrespect Sahaba and replace them with newly crafted Hadees glorifying the Sahaba. It was suggested that these should be written by Javed Chaudhry.